"Safety is not the absence of threat. Safety is the presence of connection." — Stephen Porges

Scott's story might sound familiar. Growing up, he learned to brace himself for the emotional storms that could erupt at any moment in a home where love felt like a moving target, always conditional, always unpredictable. Even now, as an adult, Scott finds it hard to recover from stressful situations. A passing comment from a colleague cuts like a critique, and a friend's distracted gaze stings like rejection. His nervous system, finely tuned to detect danger, constantly sounds the alarm, even when things are calm.

When Scott first sat down in his therapist's office, he was exhausted from feeling like he always had to be on guard, as if life were a series of threats waiting to happen. His body was always in fight or flight mode, never able to find rest. However, through patience, compassion, and a lot of hard work, Scott began to learn what was happening inside his body and mind. He discovered that his reactions were deeply rooted in his past, shaped by a nervous system that had learned to protect him at all costs. With time and an understanding of Polyvagal Theory, Scott started to learn how to regulate his emotions and, slowly but surely, began to trust that the world wasn't always as dangerous as it felt.

What is Polyvagal Theory?

So, what exactly is Polyvagal Theory, and why does it matter? At its core, Polyvagal Theory, developed by Dr. Stephen Porges, explains how our nervous system constantly scans our environment for cues of safety or danger, often without realizing it. Imagine it as an internal surveillance system that's always on, always asking, "Am I safe or at risk?"

Polyvagal Theory describes three primary states our autonomic nervous system can be in:

  • Ventral Vagal State (Safety and Social Engagement): When we feel safe, our ventral vagus nerve is activated, allowing us to feel calm, connected, and open to social engagement. This state is where we thrive, feel joyful, and connect deeply with others.
  • Sympathetic State (Fight or Flight): When we perceive a threat, real or imagined, our sympathetic nervous system takes over, triggering the fight or flight response. This state is about survival. Our heart rate spikes, muscles tense, and adrenaline surges, preparing us to confront or flee from danger.
  • Dorsal Vagal State (Shutdown or Immobilization): If the threat feels too overwhelming or inescapable, our nervous system may shift into a dorsal vagal state, leading to a shutdown or immobilization response. This state can feel like numbness, disconnection, or collapse, our body conserving energy when it feels like there's no way out.

Why Do Some People Struggle to Regulate?

Scott's experience is a perfect example of why some people find it hard to return to that ventral vagal state of safety and connection. When the nervous system learns early on that the world is unpredictable or unsafe, it becomes hypersensitive to potential threats, even when there aren't any. The body and brain get stuck in survival mode, flipping between fight, flight, or freeze responses.

Here are a few reasons why this happens:

  • Chronic Stress or Trauma: For someone like Scott, who grew up with emotional unpredictability, the nervous system became conditioned to remain on high alert. Repeated exposure to stress or trauma can cause the nervous system to get "stuck" in hyperarousal (fight or flight) or hyperarousal (shutdown).
  • Early Childhood Experiences: Our early experiences shape how we perceive the world and our ability to regulate emotions. If a child doesn't doesn't consistently feel safe, their nervous system becomes wired to expect danger. In adulthood, even neutral situations can feel threatening.
  • Lack of Safety or Support: When people lack safe, supportive relationships, their nervous system remains in a state of vigilance or collapse. The body struggles to return to calmness and connection without a secure base.
  • Nervous System Sensitivity: Some of us are born with more sensitive nervous systems due to genetics, development, or other factors, making it harder to shift out of survival states and into feelings of safety and connection.
  • Insufficient Coping Skills: With effective tools or strategies, people like Scott might find it easier to shift out of fight, flight, or freeze states. Sometimes, they may not even realize they are stuck or know how to find their way back to calm.

Practical Steps to Find Safety Again

The good news is that, like Scott, we can all learn to return to a state of safety and connection. Healing is possible, and here are some practical steps to help:

  • Build Safe Connections: Engage with safe, supportive people—this is one of the most powerful ways to activate the ventral vagal state. Finding a trusted friend, partner, or therapist who can offer a non-judgmental presence can help signal to the nervous system that it is safe.
  • Practice Mindful Breathing: Deep, slow breathing from the diaphragm—imagine filling your belly with air—stimulates the vagus nerve, bringing us back to a state of calm. Try breathing in for four counts, holding for four, exhaling for four, and holding again.
  • Use Your Voice: Singing, humming, or chanting can stimulate the vagus nerve and help us return to a state of safety. Even singing in the shower or humming your favourite tune while cooking can be surprisingly effective.
  • Move Your Body: Gentle, rhythmic movements like walking, yoga, or dancing help release tension and signal to the nervous system that we are safe. Movement can reconnect us with our bodies and the present moment.
  • Create a Safe Environment: Sometimes, healing starts with creating a small space that feels safe, a cozy corner in your home, a quiet spot in nature, or a room filled with comforting smells and sounds. A safe environment can help your nervous system relax and feel secure.
  • Engage in Play and Creativity: Activities that bring joy, laughter, and playfulness, such as drawing, gardening, or playing with a pet, can help activate the ventral vagal state and balance the nervous system.
  • Seek Therapeutic Support: Seek Therapeutic Support: Approaches such as Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT), Accelerated Experiential Dynamic Psychotherapy (AEDP), Sensorimotor Psychotherapy, or somatic experiencing can provide effective tools to help regulate the nervous system. Working with a trained therapist in these modalities can help you identify your patterns and develop new strategies to return to a state of safety and emotional balance.
  • Practice Self-Compassion: Treating ourselves with kindness, especially in moments of distress, can help activate the ventral vagal state. Practices like gentle self-talk or compassionate breathing can shift us from a place of self-criticism to self-care.

Finding Our Way Back to Safety

Scott's journey was challenging, and it didn't happen overnight. It took time, patience, and a lot of small steps. But as he began to understand his nervous system, he also started to trust it more. He learned to recognize when he was stuck in old patterns and used these tools to return to safety and connection. Slowly, the world started to feel a little less threatening and a little more inviting. And isn't that what we all want? To feel safe in our own skin, at home in the world, and open to the beauty of connection?

Polyvagal Theory gives us a map to understand our nervous system, but it's up to us to take the journey. Healing isn't about never feeling fear or anxiety again; it's about learning how to return to safety again and again, no matter what storms we face. And with time and support, we all can do just that. So, think about one thing you can do today to help your nervous system feel safer: Take a deep breath, say a kind word to yourself, or Reach out to someone who feels at home. Your journey back to safety starts with that first step.